(no subject)

I told Shannon that the last four months have been the happiest of my life, and this is essentially true. I've been exhausted, stressed, filled with anxiety about the future, and all that. But there is this happiness down at the core that is somehow ... more significant? stronger? true-er? - I'm not sure of the right word ... than anything I've felt before. I've been in love, but somehow love for Shannon plus love for Nico is really different. Love for family, my family, me (grunt) pater familias. It's not patriarchal, but I like it that I can feed my family, provide for it. And when Nicholas smiles at me, which he does 30-50 times a day, that deep happiness just swells to the fore.

But there's fear and sadness too. ( Cut for length and discussion of abortion )