Prejudice

[lollardfish]

As many of you know, a few weeks ago Shannon received a wonderful job offer and took it. Among the many consequences of this opportunity is that we have to put our son into full-time childcare. It's not easy; we'd like him to be with one, or both, of us at all times. But we found a lovely local woman running a home daycare and knew, pretty much from my phone call with her, that this was what we wanted for Nico. It's a big house. There aren't too many kids. She has a playground (climbing, swinging) in her backyard. She has a finished basement lined in rubber playmats for kids to crawl around on, and about 8 million toys. She has a big stroller and a backpack. She has a zoo pass, a museum pass, and is close to lots of parks. She has a Masters in Ed., was a jr. high social studies teacher in a hard-nosed school in Chicago, but has since left that. She has a boy in 8th grade (born when she was 18 or so) and 2 lovely girls, ages 3 and 6 or so. She's divorced and working full-time as a mom and childcare provider. She's great.

She had three other kids, two toddlers who came part-time and one infant, a little over seven months old. Now she just has the two toddlers.



Jennifer called me this morning to tell me that the parents of the infant had pulled their girl from the childcare because of Nicholas. They are instead going to put her in a daycare center in the city where they work. Their reasons were a little all over the place - financial (Jennifer isn't cheap at all), first off. But more importantly, they were concerned that because Nico would need so much extra attention that Makenna (their girl) wouldn't get the care she needed/deserved. Of course, they are putting Mackie in a commercial daycare (rather than home) where she's likely to get much less attention then at Jennifer's, so this doesn't quite ring true to me either. And, they've never met Nicholas. Jennifer told them that he was healthy, loving, fun, and easy to play with. But no, their little girl wasn't going to be with this Down's baby. Last night, they gave her an ultimatum, either tell us no (she had already told us yes, accepted our check, made a plan of when to start, and so forth), or lose Mackie. To her, there was no choice - she told them to leave, and in fact to leave as of the end of this week (tomorrow). She's returning their deposit and is through with them - and is upset, as you'd expect.

I've written often in this journal about disability; how I perceive it, or don't, with Nicholas and all the other children and people around me; how my perceptions have shifted and how they haven't in the last 9 months. I've written that I have frequently referred to Nico as a "disabled child" - in order to stress the importance of me getting a gate pass to meet Shannon and the boy as they got off the airplane yesterday, in order to talk about healthcare when interviewing for jobs, and so forth, but that I've never seen his disability. Still haven't. But we also haven't encountered prejudice or phobia, until now.

I was shaken. I talked to Jennifer, thanked her for telling me, and we vented a little at each other. I hung up because I had to go teach. Tears filled my eyes, my throat closed, and I wobbled a little, then printed my notes, gathered it, put on "The Professor" persona and went to class. Class was fine, though it took me a few minutes to get going. Telling Shannon wasn't easy, but I feel a little better now that we all went over to Jennifer's, met Nico's developmental therapist there, we all four vented, and we're moving on. Nico's going to get terrific care by caring people, and that's what matters.

But part of me wants to take Nico and put him in front of Makenna's parents. To make them watch him play with her (which he was doing today, so, so, sweetly), to see his laugh, his smile, his ease. He'll reach out his little arms to them given half a chance, demanding a hug.

But I won't. They'll be gone soon, and probably its for the best that they are not in our lives, even tangentially.

Comments

[erik]

My first thought was "what sort of person names their child 'MacKenna'?!" but that has been answered.

I am pleased that Jennifer has principals. I'm sorry some people suck.

[mia-mcdavid.livejournal.com]

I am sorry. Their little girl will be the one to lose out. I am glad, though, that your new provider is a person of integrity and warmth.

[madtruk.livejournal.com]

That's simply awfully stupid behavior, and I'm glad you know it. They don't deserve to play with him anyway.

Yeesh. So, so...ugh, ya know?

[cakmpls.livejournal.com]

I can feel this story, physically feel it. It makes me PISSED. But I feel sorry for their daughter. She is being raised with a terrible disability, imposed on her by her parents.

[ferrousoxide.livejournal.com]

Sigh. People suck.

And i second the "who names their child MacKenna" reaction. Wow, it's so cre8tiv ;P

[txanne.livejournal.com]

Good grief, do they think it's catching or something? I feel sorry for their daughter, but I'm thrilled that they're out of your lives.

And when do we get more Nico pictures? They make me happy.

[lollardfish.livejournal.com]

I know you can. I'm really glad, by the way, you're around (at least electronically) when this sort of thing happens. At other times too, but definitely at times like this.

[saracura.livejournal.com]

Wow - that other parent doesn't sound too bright... Crazy!

Good to hear that Nico is going to be in good hands while you guys are busy.

[born-to-me.livejournal.com]

My emotions were all over the map at first, but I think I've settled on one - a profound sense of loss for those people, and all the others who are so limited. I know it's a case of people just hearing one tiny part of a conversation and reacting, people who make snap judgments and then come up with sad little excuses to try to justify their ignorance. It's sad, and pitiable.

I haven't met Nico (yet). I cannot wait to meet Nico, and hopefully have yet another young 'un in the Chez Dork herd. He's perfect and gorgeous (I have got to smooch those cheeks, please. I can't stand it. *grin*) and we will have tremendous fun getting to know each other.

Those people... it's just... *sigh* I'm sorry you all had to go through that.

[kalmn.livejournal.com]

jerks. i'm sorry.

[born-to-me.livejournal.com]

Totally with you on the first part... that little girl is going to grow up with some challenging attitudes in her house. I hope she can rise above them.

And I'm with you about the photos. I've not met Nico yet but I can't wait to meet the personality that can create some of those faces. Teh cute, it is too much! ;-)

[minnehaha.livejournal.com]

I am sure Mackie's mother feels she's DOING HER PART but that ENOUGH'S ENOUGH. Especially where HER BABY is concerned. She's wrong, but I'm sure that's what she's thinking.

Good riddance.

K.

[mrissa.livejournal.com]

I have a goddaughter named Makenna. She can play with Nico any day he wants. Well -- any day he wants and they're in the same zip code, as my poor wee godchild lives in Texas. (I don't love the name, either, but my cousin and her husband are still good people.)

Dave, I am so glad that the person who'll have Nico's care has shown right from the start that she knows where her priorities lie.

[lollardfish.livejournal.com]

I am too. She's a ... SOCIAL WORKER in the city's urban schools, for god's sake.

[lollardfish.livejournal.com]

The sad part is that brightness has nothing to do with it. Ignorance is the issue.

[lollardfish.livejournal.com]

Yeah, maybe it's Makenna ...

[saracura.livejournal.com]

My naughty mind said to mail her an info packet or put her on an informational mailing list or something...

[saracura.livejournal.com]

Are you serious? That's just sad!

[mrissa.livejournal.com]

I have no idea. We had to ask, because we could come up with a half-dozen possible spellings.

[dd-b.livejournal.com]

Yikes. So this might mean you'll run into her again later, too.

[lollardfish.livejournal.com]

Unlikely. But I suppose. Thousands of people though.

[mizzlaurajean.livejournal.com]

These parents sound needy and have probably made their daughter as needy.

They sound like the type who if it's not one thing it another and they really can't be pleased. They are the kind of people who can not see that the problem lies with them.

[creidylad.livejournal.com]

What sickens me the most about this is what these parents are doing to their daughter, and the hell they are going to put her through just to perpetuate their prejudice.

I had an interesting, weird and vaguely disturbing encounter with the fallout of prejudice recently. Gwen, and much of her class, is going to be mainstreamed part of the day in the "regular" kindergarten classes. I suggested to the head of our Special Ed PTA (SEPTA) that as we were preparing to begin this in October, at some time in September this should get addressed at a broader meeting with the mainstream kindergarten parents so that they knew what was coming and how the program would work and the positives for the kids entering their kids' classes as well as for their kids.

Her response? Was that we might "upset" the other parents and not only should we not have a meeting to "warn" them but that we should not publicize this in any way.

Undeterred, I brought it up at a general kindergarten meeting with the principal. She was very happy to handle the topic and we talked about it in a group --- other parents who had older kids expressed their support for the program but their utter bafflement as to why it was handled in such a hush-hush fashion since their kids came home and told them about what was going on, anyway, and they would have liked to have some preparation so that they could appropriately frame a dialogue with their kids.

I was tempted to call the head of SEPTA and explain to her she was selling the mainstream parents short and shooting our own kids in the foot by setting up a situation where the other kids would not be properly prepared.

I'm so sorry you've run into this, but I'm so very glad you've found such a wonderful childcare provider.

[lollardfish.livejournal.com]

Yeah. I think most parents, properly educated, will come around. But some won't, some will be loud, some will say that exposing their children to the disabled will ruin their educations, and other crap.

[porphyrin.livejournal.com]

I wish I could say I never saw parents react like little M's parents do.

What pains me most is that it's not THEIR loss-- it's M's loss, not getting to be around Niko. And it's Niko's loss, because he must enjoy her company if he's playing so nicely with her.

Next time you're in town, if you want to set up a play date and let the babies slobber on each other? Let me know.

[mrsmodew.livejournal.com]

I read Shannon's first and felt the urge to post here as well. I am sorry that you guys had to have that sort of thing occur. It was bound to happen at some point because lots of people like that exist and it is just plain awful. I have never understood prejudice or bigotry at all. To me the most disgusting part of it is the little girl's mom being a social worker.

The other posters covered my feelings about this, but I wanted to let you know that I am outraged on your behalf as well.

[zinzinzinnia.livejournal.com]

As a social worker, she no doubt has access to lots of information. However, it's not implausible that her experiences with children with Downs or other exceptionalities have been negative enough to give her the impression that her child will be disadvantaged by being in daycare with Nico. If her experience comes from dealing with less-educated or less-empowered parents of children with disabilities than David and Shannon, it's not hard to imagine where that impression comes from. It's too bad she didn't stick around long enough to form a second opinion to counteract her first.

[minnehaha.livejournal.com]

It's also possible that she's only interacted with kids with Downs who show their disability more than Nico has as yet. That's not to say she's not an irrational twit.

K.

[neugotik.livejournal.com]

um, yeah - lousy. I had that last year with Aurora on a lvl - a parent said she didn't want her daughter having any more play-dates with Aurora. Oddly enough - those girls (Piper & Aurora) have remained steadfast friends via school time/recess/etc, despite Pipers' parents pulling the plug on any play-dates; odd how discrimination cuts to the bone. I don't envy the journey you have ahead of you - but you are good people & will certainly show any doubters to be quite wrong.

[sleigh.livejournal.com]

Take solace in the fact that Mackenna will probably be taunted with the nickname "Mack Truck" once she's in school. (Which is a shame, since it's not Mackenna that's the problem, but her ignorant parents.)

As I said to buttonlass, there are no words.

[mmagidow.livejournal.com]

Little Mackie deserves more enlightenend parents. That is all.

[rani23.livejournal.com]

*SIGH*...

Just...sigh. I got nothing. This sort of stuff makes me want to bite people.

[thickie.livejournal.com]

as i've said before, i went to a day camp that was integrated with children of all shapes, sizes and abilities. it was a GREAT experience for me as a child, as a young adult when i was a counsellor there and it led to my volunteering with special needs at a local community centre.

while the mother may be a social worker and know that often children with special needs require more attention, i think that she acted irrationally as a parent and as a human being.

it seems like she has pulled an archie bunker when the jeffersons moved in.

what is obviously her daughter's loss is nico's gain, as i suspect this daycare will be a GREAT experience for him! you two are VERY lucky parents, as i know that city daycares in toronto can be an "interesting" experience for children, and the personal attention that nico will be getting will serve him well in the future.

[laurel]

I commented in Shannon's LJ, but want to reiterate: some people are dumb and suck, but Jennifer rocks. I also think it's good that Makenna left before Nico got too attached to her, if she had to be pulled at all ('cuz of stupidhead parents).