(no subject)

[lollardfish]

Still working on this Vill Tennis thing, please skip if you're bored. The stakes, for me, go beyond the current issue. I didn't handle this one well, but someday my son will be old enough to know what's going on. Now he's just the reason, but at least he's unaware. Once he's older, I won't have the luxury of letting my emotions win.

Also, my wife is better at explaining this than me. I didn't want this comment buried.



I'm not really over it. I get that the V-Tennis people's defense is, "hey, we told you we were offensive! How dare you get offended." (That response is halfway down this page, here if you are interested). I understand their point. If you go to a show, you've sort of waived your right to be offended. If their Facebook title was "The Handicapped Show - Vill Tennis Satirizes Disability in America," or something boring, I think none of this happens, because we wouldn't have gone to the show and the external front wouldn't have engaged these trigger issues.

So technology is part of it, as the offensive title intruded its way onto my wife's feed as friends, people who care for her, felt it was ok to go to a show called "Going Full Retard." I've come to realize people don't understand how painful that word and the mindset it represents (especially in the context of mocking) is to parents like us.

I think the best thing would have been to write individual messages, politely, to the people we know, asking them not to be part of such a thing, and explaining why. Next time I'll get control of my anger faster and do that. It's probable we'd end up in the same place, but that would have been ethically a better path than rousing rabble right off the bat.

But I don't think "hey, we told you we were offensive, how dare you get offended!" is really a valid excuse. If you cause pain unintentionally, you apologize and try not to do it again. I've surely done that more than I care to admit. But the Vill players intentionally trade in hate and cruelty for a laugh, and then are so defensive and self-righteous when it turns out someone actually got hurt. I didn't go to the show. I didn't sign up. They didn't mean to cause pain to my family. But they did intentionally trade in cruelty, and now there are consequences. I believe that what you put out into the world matters. That if you cause pain, you have to try and fix it if you can, or there are consequences ... for yourself, not just for others.

But it seems like the Vill people feel that they get to decide if the hurt is real, if it matters, if I get to be upset. They just don't.

Comments

[mizzlaurajean.livejournal.com]

still reading, not bored.

[guppiecat]

I'm still reading too, in general agreement but not coming up with much new to add to the discussion.

[minnehaha.livejournal.com]

I recognize the desire to be supportive of a family member's opportunities and cleverness, the chance to cheer them on while they do something they like, and are good at, and are proud of. I mean, my family doesn't really do that, but I recognize it as normal and desirable behavior.

What seems so off-kilter to me is this, that shouldn't be news to anyone: adults have lots of coping mechanisms for insults and pain, but little kids don't. Everybody knows this. Nico's not quite old enough to recognize the insult and feel the pain, but soon enough he will be. And he'll have to suffer and hurt until he gets calloused enough to live through it, just as we have all had to do with our inadequacies. Maybe this is what made Valentine Michael Smith laugh.

I doubt it will be a part of his sweet nature to tell derogatory jokes about Jews or fat girls or teenaged mothers or football fans. And that makes insulting him and people like him all the more cruel. Family loyalty doesn't trump that. And paying forward your own hurt is not the answer.

K.

[kalmn.livejournal.com]

paying forward your own hurt is not the answer.

exactly. may i quote you?

[minnehaha.livejournal.com]

I don't care. Sure.

K.